davidchen1's blog

how different I might have been

'And am I to be told to-night, after all my pains and labour, and when you are going, through me, to be rendered independent,' her mother almost shrieked in her passion, while her palsied head shook like a leaf, 'that there is corruption and contagion in me, and that I am not fit company for a girl! What are you, pray? What are you?' 'I have put the question to myself,' said Edith, ashy pale, and pointing to the window, 'more than once when I have been sitting there, and something in the faded likeness of my sex has wandered past outside; and God knows I have met with my reply.

You can't be trusted for a moment

All this time, Edith remained at the dark window looking out into the street. When she and her mother were at last left alone, she moved from it for the first time that evening, and came opposite to her. The yawning, shaking, peevish figure of the mother, with her eyes raised to confront the proud erect form of the daughter, whose glance of fire was bent downward upon her, had a conscious air upon it, that no levity or temper could conceal. 'I am tired to death,' said she. 'You can't be trusted for a moment. You are worse than a child. Child! No child would be half so obstinate and undutiful.' 'Listen to me, mother,' returned Edith, passing these words by with a scorn that would not descend to trifle with them.

and I was glad to be out early

I laughed again, and she squeezed my hand. “I’m just kidding. Back then, I used to love how you looked in the mornings, right after you put on your suit. You were tall and trim, a young go-getter out to make a good life for us. You were very attractive.” Her words warmed me. For the next hour—while we perused the catering menu over coffee and listened to the music floating up from downstairs—I noticed her eyes occasionally on my face in a way that felt almost unfamiliar. The effect was quietly dizzying. Perhaps she was remembering the reasons she’d married me, just as she’d related them to me.

You have to understand that back then

“There were a lot of reasons.” “Like what?” “You want specifics?” “Humor me. I just told you all my secrets.” She smiled at my insistence. “All right. Why I married you . . . Well, you were honest and hardworking and kind. You were polite and patient, and more mature than any guy I’d dated before. And when we were together, you listened in a way that made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. You made me feel complete, and spending time with you just seemed right.” She hesitated for a moment. “But it wasn’t just about my feelings. The more I got to know you, the more I was certain that you’d do whatever it took to provide for your family. That was important to me.

were doing it because you wanted to

I gave a halfhearted smile. “But I’ve been thinking about those things a lot these days.” “It doesn’t sound like something you’d do.” “No, it doesn’t,” I admitted. “But it’s still true.” Jane cocked her head. “I haven’t been perfect, either, you know.” “You’ve been a lot closer than I’ve been.” “That’s true,” she said with a shrug. I laughed despite myself, feeling the tension ease a little.?“And yes, you have worked a lot,” she went on. “Probably too much. But I always knew you were doing it because you wanted to provide for our family.

she would regard it as equally special

Even back then, I knew it was important to her, and I remember making a note to do everything she wanted. However, I got so embroiled in some messy proceedings relating to a large estate that her birthday arrived before I could make the arrangements.?Instead, at the last minute I had my secretary pick out a stylish tennis bracelet, and on the way home, I convinced myself that because it had been expensive, she would regard it as equally special. When she unwrapped it, I promised that I’d make the necessary plans for a wonderful evening together, an evening even better than the one she’d described.

let alone seem to like me

I can’t even remember how many I missed because I had late meetings that I refused to reschedule. And everything else I missed—the volleyball games and track meets, piano concerts, school plays . . . It’s a wonder that the kids have forgiven me, let alone seem to like me.” She nodded in acknowledgment but said nothing. Then again, there was nothing she could say. I took a deep breath and plunged on. “I know I haven’t always been the best husband, either,” I said quietly. “Sometimes I wonder why you’ve put up with me for as long as you have.” At that, her eyebrows rose. “I know you spent too many evenings and weekends alone, and I put all the responsibility for child rearing on you.

I now considered a fault

“No,” I said. “It’s nice to be away from it for a while.” She eyed me carefully. “Do you really mean that?” “Of course.” I tugged at my polo shirt. “It’s nice not to always have to put on a suit during the week.” “I’ll bet you’ve forgotten what that’s like, haven’t you. You haven’t taken a long vacation in . . . what? Eight years?” “It hasn’t been that long.” After a moment, she nodded. “You’ve taken a few days here and there, but the last time you actually took a week off was in 1995. Don’t you remember? When we took all the kids to Florida?

Let me refill your drinks

“I thought so. I think half the crew is working that event.” The waiter grinned.?“Well, it’s great to meet you. Let me refill your drinks, and I’ll bring the full catering menu when I come back.” As soon as he’d left, Jane leaned across the table. “I guess that answers one of my questions. About the service, I mean.” “I told you not to worry.” She drained the last of her wine. “So are they going to set up a tent? Since we’re eating outside?” “Why don’t we use the house?” I volunteered. “I’m going to be out there anyway when the landscapers come, so why don’t I try to get a cleaning crew out there to get it ready?

She would never have eaten it

“Not much,” I answered. “I asked him how he was doing, what happened. For the most part, it wasn’t any different from what you heard later.” She raised an eyebrow. “For the most part? What else did he say?” “Do you really want to know?” She laid her silverware down. “He asked you to feed the swan again, didn’t he.” “Yes.” “Are you going to?” “Yes,” I said, but seeing her expression, I went on quickly, “but before you get upset, remember that I’m not doing it because I think it’s Allie. I’m doing it because he asked, and because I don’t want the swan to starve to death.
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